We have a couple that we much enjoy, and have been spending time with on a regular basis during the pandemic. We kayak and paddleboard together, do socially distanced picnics together, and just generally hang. Often times on their spectacular outdoor balcony with sweeping views of the ocean.
So, observing that they appear to be very comfortable financially - their home is worth considerably more than ours per their closer proximity to the ocean as just one example - I've been startled to hear them refer to my husband and I as being 'frugal' twice in the last week. In this instance, I am translating their usage of the word as meaning closer to cheap, which sincerely, sincerely puzzles me.
As a result, I came home last night and researched the meaning of frugal vs. cheap and came up with the following:
Being cheap is about spending less; being frugal is about prioritizing your spending so that you can have more of the things you really care about.
If this is the place they were coming from, than I am A-OK with that as a frugal definition, because we absolutely do prioritize where we spend our money. And something I keep in mind every single time we make a purchase, whether it be at the grocery store, a retail store, or a travel agency. I desire value for the money I spend, recognizing that what I deem as value may be completely different from what another individual might consider to be of value.
But the comment rankled, and I'm trying to determine exactly why. Yesterday's discussion was with regard to the size of our respective electric bills. The other couple has invested in solar, and wondered why we did not. I explained that our electric bills average just $50 a month, or $600 year, and thus, it did not make financial sense for us to do so at this time. The husband responded that we sure were frugal. They both then went on to ask if we were the kind of people who lived in the dark in order to save money. And just like that I felt like I'd been put on the defensive.
For the record, we do turn off lights when we are not in a room, however we turn lights on in the evening for security purposes. In addition, all of our lights, every single one, is a lower usage - but not lower costing! - LED. And, yes, during heat waves such as we've been having here this past week, we absolutely do keep our west-facing window coverings shut to minimize the heat that comes into the house. But only as a temporary measure.
Thus I'm trying to evaluate whether this was more about them than us, and, again, why I'm so rankled either way. A profound phrase I heard once is that whenever one is disturbed, it is because somewhere there is a small truth.
A small truth? Yes, I do believe that could be so, and perhaps I need to evaluate.
Small things like refusing to pay for parking anywhere in our coastal towns because we know where we can find free parking, and we much enjoy the longer walk through charming seaside streets that generally results.
Small things like packing our own water because there are few things that annoy me more than paying for water.
Small things like confining our visits to a winery that all four of us belong to to Tuesdays, when food is half price for members.
Small things like, perhaps, sharing that we would likely never ever loan money to either of our children should they hit a financial hurdle, believing they need to find a way to climb out of a hole they most likely dug all by themselves, but we would always, always provide a safe haven for them in our home with which to recover and determine how best to forge ahead.
And, at the end of the day, I do believe it is this last point that has resulted in their new labeling of us as frugal. You see, they have continued to provide fairly significant sums to both of their adult children as they have gotten into circumstances of their own makings. And this has resulted in the deferring of some of their own retirement plans. Perhaps they were hoping to find like company in us, and hearing that our approach, while still loving, was different, has gotten under their skin.
Hmm. I just had an 'aha' moment. Perhaps that's what this really is all about. They are stressed, and possibly without realizing it, are taking a small amount of it out on us. And if that is the case? It's OK, because they are worth taking it just a little bit on the chin until the situation with their children straightens out.
Which is what I so appreciate about blogging. The process of committing my thoughts to electronic paper just now has allowed me to process my own irritation, remove it, and instead find a space for compassion on their behalf instead.
I prefer the term prudent to frugal but think they were insulting to you in terms of their comments. Nothing you mentioned is "cheap" but rather about making choices as to where to spend your money. Also non of their business!
ReplyDeleteI was surprised because no one has ever used that term about us. Focused, disciplined, words like that, yes. But frugal just seemed so darn odd given that they know of our travels (of which they do same) and have been to our home.
DeleteI'm with her. I don't mind describing my self (frugal, minimalist, even cheapskate in some areas of spending...like bottled water) but I agree that it sounds like insulted you, in a passive agressive way. Choosing where to spend or not spend your money is common sense. Cheap is if you "forget" to tip the waitress. I might also add that the phrase looks are not reality is often true. You dont know what their mortgage is or if they have a second and so on and so on. I, for example, would suggest that helping kids or not or even how we help hem (cause we usually do) is a lifestyle choice for most of us-and having a house that costs just a little bit less, like yours, might enable them to do things they are putting off. Not that I would necessarily share that. The question of course is whether this attitude affects your socialization in general and/or your desire to socialize more.
ReplyDeleteWe like them, they are active and fun, and I agree that no one knows what anyone else's circumstances are, so there could be more strain there than appearances might suggest. If it happens again I will likely probe them, gently, to explain what they mean, and if we are in someway annoying them so we can stop.
DeleteIronically, and please don't misunderstand, because I am very happy for them, but they just shared they decided to go to Tahiti later this year. We've elected not to travel any further this year other than a flight back to visit our daughter and granddaughters, so perhaps that is grating on them as well. (They are choosing recreational travel during a pandemic, we are not). I don't know. I guess I will just have to ask the next time it arises.
But why are they upset or disturbed by your choices? It seems weird to me.
DeleteI will ask them directly if it happens again. In the interim, we will work to avoid any topic that involves dollar signs!
DeleteI can well understand your feelings - I don't think I would have been happy with their comments either! Having low energy bills through sensible usage isn't just a financial thing, it's so much better for the environment. And I believe that none of us should be buying bottled water when we have a free good quality supply coming out of our taps! I think their comment probably says more about them than it does about you. I'd be the person parking behind you and taking the scenic route down through the village too! If food at the winery is half price on a Tuesday, why would you go on a Monday or a Wednesday? That's not cheap, that's sensible!
ReplyDeleteNone of us knows another person's true financial situation and it is a very personal thing, perhaps they have overstretched themselves and don't want to admit how things really are. If it should come up again perhaps you should tell them that you were hurt by what they said and ask exactly what they meant.
I am working to respond from a place of compassion if it occurs again, and I therefore much appreciate your thoughtful reply, Deb. We bent over backward last night to be positive and supportive when the topic of budgets was brought up.
DeleteCome to think, while we never bring up the topic of budgets, they often do, so perhaps they really are more stressed about money than we've realized.
An unjustified criticism is often a disguised compliment.
ReplyDeleteWise words to ponder as always, Mona. Thank you.
DeleteOne coworker asked to borrow $600 and got mad at me, and another coworker asked me for money and when I told her I needed it for my kids, she said "your kids are grown". Well, guess what, so is she. My uncle and my momma helped me and I pass it on to my kids in the same manner my ancestors helped me. I work hard for my money and how I spend it is my business. The same with you. Personal finance is just that, it is personal. It is none of their business how you spend your money. I get really hot when folks try to mind my business and my money. I will not repeat here what I have said when folks try to mind my pocketbook. I handle these coworkers now with a "long handled wooden spoon", in other words, I speak and keep it moving but I stay away. Cindy in the South
ReplyDeleteI literally cannot imagine being asked to borrow money by an acquaintance or friend. My goodness, talk about awkward! My set response when someone asks me to do something I don't care to do, and that I think would work here as well is, "I'm (so) sorry, but that doesn't work for me."
DeleteWe are beyond generous with our grown daughters and their families, but they are unasked for/unexpected gifts, and that makes them a joy to provide. A mess of their own making is theirs to figure out, not mine. While never expressly stated to them as far as I know, it is a message they have received clearly based on the conversations we've had over the years, and the consequences we've allowed them to experience in their younger, less wise, years, even as we watched carefully from afar to make sure they didn't tumble into an abyss from which there was no way out.
My gut response? "Thank you! We're really happy with our mindful choices". Decades ago my older SIL said "You could make a bull shit in the middle of a nickel". (Dairy farmers). I was so tickled as I do try to get every inch out of every nickel. Fast forward to 15y ago when I was running a very successful healthcare facility with an amazing staff. "We know you make more $ than all of us. Why aren't you building a big new house? Why are you driving that old car?" Well, I don't want a different house and that old car? It has very few miles on it (I drive less than 5k/year). All this to say, I was able to save a ton of $ toward retirement and did so at age 58 last year!!!! I've been out of debt for a long time and the peace of mind is priceless.
ReplyDeleteSo, I take any comment about my lifestyle as a compliment. I hit my goals and I'm happy with my life :-)
Cheers to a happy and frugal life!
You sound very content, Elle! And I completely agree about the peace of mind of being debt free. It's inconceivable to imagine carrying debt ever again in my lifetime. I've read it described as voluntary servitude, and there is truth to that.
DeleteI recently got a comment on my blog that bothered me, because (IMO) it implied I was being cheap, not frugal. I think we should all be good stewards of our money. Much financial sense also translates to environmental good sense. And, if we ever need a good reminder of making better strides in that direction, the last few months have certainly drilled that in.
ReplyDeleteWe have a budget very few people would feel comfortable with. We spend a lot on our housing, and try to spend significantly less (as a percentage of our budget) on everything else. It's what makes us happy, it's what works for the phase of life we're in right now. It's not forever, it's no one else's business. I like your approach to your kids - unexpected generosity, but no bail outs. I think we'd approach things similarly when our kids are adults.
It sounds like you are on the right track for understanding their comments, although if they are facing financial stress, a trip to Tahiti may not be the way to go. ;-) I'm guessing they are feeling a bit of their own guilt, and by you not making plans & making other choices, it's reminding them that perhaps they are not making the best choices.
We will never make other people 100% happy - boy, if blogging doesn't teach you that, nothing will - so if we are happy with our choices, not complaining, and not hurting others, than who is anyone else to judge? And it's so interesting to learn where people elect to prioritize, your blog included. As just one example, I've been inspired by how much you sell - it's really quite remarkable! In my case, perhaps our focus on being active as a free form of entertainment inspires someone struggling with being sedentary. The differences are what make life interesting!
DeleteRe: Our grown children and finances. We gifted them each with four year college educations, and offered a home base to return to while they got established. They have all the tools they need to succeed in life as a result, and how they choose to do so is up to them at this point. It's actually been a relief to step back in this area, and stop giving advice. Our relationship dynamics have improved, and I think they would say we treat them like the adults they are.